Communication: Key to Happiness

Most marital problems (and frankly, problems with any type of relationship) are usually caused because of bad communication. People disagree and have arguments all the time. That is normal. You cannot expect someone to have the exact same views as you have. Everyone was raise in different families with different beliefs and standards. So it is normal for someone to think differently. But what is not appropriate is how people communicate in those arguments. It is never appropriate to yell at someone or control the conversation. It is never appropriate to always make the other person the bad guy. It is never appropriate to degrade or insult the other person. These things do not create an environment in which communication can take place. We all know that couple that has intense and ineffective fights. Some of you reading this might be thinking that maybe you do this when you are in an argument. Does yelling or blaming or degrading your spouse fix the problem? Or does it just cover it up? Or are you just avoiding it? Good communication is key to making your arguments more affective and healthy. Good communication helps to actually fix the problem instead of making it worse or covering it up. Good communication is the key to everlasting happiness in a relationship.

When evaluating a disagreement it is important to ask yourself six important things. (1)Did I convey caring and respect even if i was feeling frustrated or annoyed with the other person? Or did I belittle the other person or treat him or her in a degrading way? (2) Did I find trust in what the other person is saying even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair? (3) Did I put myself in the other person's shoes and try to see the world through their eyes? (4) Did I ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about how the other person is thinking and feeling? (5) Did I use "i feel" statements such as, "I feel upset when you didn't wash the dishes. Because it makes me feel unappreciated." (6) Did I find something genuinely positive to say to the other person even in the heat of the battle? And if you didn't do these things it is important to ask yourself, "how am I going to better apply these principles during the next argument?"

When we do these things we are "conveying an attitude of respect even though we feel angry with the other person." A person who feels respected will continue the conversation even if it isn't a pleasant subject. A person who doesn't feel respected will feel attacked, get defensive, and will not be open to communicating about the subject. Once someone is defensive and angry as well, there is no way to communicate effectively. Both parties in the argument need to be respectful and show love in order for solutions to be found. Once the solutions are found is everything fixed and done? NO. Then you have to apply what you talked about to your lives. If you decide that the solution is to share the house work better but one person still isn't helping out, the solution found is no longer a solution. The conversation you had is no longer effective. If you decide that you need to share the housework more then you have to start sharing the housework more. Once you are both doing what you decided to do to fix the problem, you are then actually fixing the problem. Words can be effective but words are nothing if action isn't behind them.

Another crucial step is to then evaluate the situation after it has been put to action for a while. Do you feel that I am helping more? Do we feel that there is more harmony in our home because of it? What else can I do to help us be happier in our relationship? These steps are essential. I cannot stress their importance in creating a happy relationship. I encourage all to try them in your own relationships.